Here are several very useful tips on how to treat anxiety attacks.
1. Breathe Correctly.
Researchers at The University of Pittsburgh Medical Center have pinpointed one of the reasons why breathing is so essential when we may be suffering from anxiety. They establish that we habitually hyperventilate while we are in an anxious state. This is truthful, as you will know if you suffer from anxiety attacks. We are aware of short and fast breathing that in turn creates small brainwaves, all contributing to our harassed state.
This is a exceedingly good way on how to treat anxiety attacks, learn to breathe with the belly muscles. By doing it we make much longer breaths which make slower brainwaves. That is the style of stress-free breathing we do as we are calm and still. When we are mindful of this, we are able to learn this technique and it actually does soothe us down, if done correctly.
2. Meditation
A good number of individuals are put off by the thought of meditation and even yoga because they just feel it is too complex to learn and that they will never have the time to do it. All you need to do is to find the quietest place at home.
You can choose to sit down or even lie down. The significant thing is to feel at ease. Focus on your breathing and put into practice letting air fill your lungs and then when exhaling, feel the abdominal muscles tightening. The secret here is that you are capable to shut out all the mess, sound from surrounding you, while you give attention to only on your breathing. You will be surprised at how much calmer you will feel.
3. How to treat anxiety attacks through diet.
Getting the correct nutrients, minerals and vitamins can in fact help in creating optimal conditions so that our brain functions just as perfectly as our body. Any foods that can improve the levels of serotonin can enhance our mood. Which can help to bring down anxiety levels. The greatest foods, are the complex carbohydrates which are the whole grains, fruit, vegetables and nuts. Did you know that the element called tryptophan helps in soothing and is contained in some dairy products and also turkey meat?
4. Herbal remedy for anxiety?
Lots of herbs are now known to help keep anxiety at bay. The better known ones are Valerian, chamomile, passion flower and winter cherry. These actually work and there are no nasty side effects either, unlike the anti anxiety medications prescribed in massive doses across the nation.
5. Counseling
Work with a counselor or personal coach, they will usually have immense experience on how to treat anxiety attacks. Find some one that you can connect to and feel relaxed with. You may possibly also look online and locate some anxiety communities that you could join. Talk to fellow suffers of anxiety and gain as much facts as you can on how to treat anxiety attacks.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
How To Treat Anxiety
Have you ever been in a situation that brought on sweats, rapid heartbeat and shortness of breath? You in all probability weren’t having a heart attack but an anxiety attack. If you go through anxiety disorders, learning how to treat anxiety is the first step to overcoming it.
Anxiety is characterized as excessive reactions to frightful situations.
When someone follows you into a shadowy alley, those anxious feelings of a racing heartbeat and sweaty palms gives way to sharp senses and a rush of adrenalin that can save your life. This is the fight or flight syndrome.
In the case of frequent anxiety, the fearful feelings are fear of a specific situation and not the situation itself. Getting caught in traffic can cause an anxiety attack over what might happen when you get to work late. Starting a new occupation can bring on anxiety attacks.
Everyone experiences panic or anxiety in small ways. Like the fight or flight model, it can save your life. In new situations, we get anxious but when the outcome we fear fails to happen, the anxiety stops. For someone with ever-present anxiety, this is not the case. So learning how to treat anxiety will be of vast benefit to you.
Every situation that brings anxiety is not life-threatening. More than probable it is an exceptionally stressful situation that has brought on the anxiety as a way of dealing with it.
If you undergo from anxiety attacks learning how to treat anxiety, you can take back control.
1. See a counselor, coach or doctor. This is always a good first step in how to treat anxiety.
2. Get a good night’s sleep. All through the sleep cycle, your body repairs itself. You feel more rested after a number of hours of restorative sleep, reaching the REM stage. A large amount of people need eight hours a night which varies within an hour or two each way.
3. Exercise on a consistent basis. Exercise helps you to use oxygen more effectively. It helps to get more oxygen to the brain. It also increases focus which may help you see solutions to problems rather than merely worrying about them.
4. Don’t use alcohol. You might think that the glass of wine is calming your stress but alcohol is a depressant. In anxious situations you might rely too heavily on it and gain another dilemma in the process.
Anxiety can come into your life at any time. It’s usual. When the anxiety becomes repeated you may perhaps be at risk for more serious conditions. If you feel your anxiety is starting to take over your life or increasingly causing you problems, seek professional help in how to treat anxiety.
Treat Social Anxiety Disorder
Feeling debilitated and uneasy in social situations is not just a testing thing to deal with, but an actual disorder that plagues loads of people in today's world. It could make you feel a little better to know that you can combat and treat social anxiety disorder. Before we talk about this, let's include some vital information about the subject and define this mental health issue.
Having issues with being in social situations is usually caused by your own self-perception. How you see yourself affects how you respond in a social situation. There are numerous symptoms that can warn you to any social anxiety disorder you have.
It can commence as nervousness and become incapacitating for some people to the point they avoid any social setting. Like many anxiety disorders, when social situations are a challenge, you will possible experience sweating, heart palpitations and even chest pains. It's a panic attack that occurs as soon as you are around a group of people and it can be overpowering to say the least.
A lot of times there are ways to treat social anxiety disorder yourself without the need drugs.
Here are 4 ways to help you to treat social anxiety disorder and regain your life.
1. Change your self-perception - You must first recognize and understand that you are a valuable person. What you do in life is valuable in some way. Appraise your value by creating a list of things you have done that affected your life or the lives of others in a positive way. No matter what your station in life, you are valuable. Learn it and believe it.
2. Realize that perfection is not a goal - No one is perfect. Don't place unrealistic expectations on yourself. You are human and humans are fallible. Perfection is a very out of reach goal that will only serve to defeat your purpose of discovering your own self-worth.
3. Engage in conversation - What you have to say is significant. Start with one person at a congregation and strike up a conversation about something that interests you. This will also help you grasp how unfounded your fears are and let you to feel more comfortable in large groups.
4. Allow others to approach you - Don't be troubled about what anyone thinks of you. You should know your own worth and what others think is not your concern. Allow others at social gatherings to engage in discussion with you. You do not have to speak unless you want to speak. It is good to be a good listener as well.
I will say from my own personal experience, it is always best to have somebody working with you to help treat social anxiety disorder, be it a counselor or coach. Or look for anxiety communities on the web so you can work together with people who have similar troubles to you.
Treat Anxiety Disorder 3
Treat Anxiety Disorder Part Three
Forecasting disaster
This is something we do quite frequently, if you desire to treat anxiety disorder read on.
Whatever thing you do, you want to keep a positive focus and goal. From time to time It happens you may be worried about the upshot of some chief thing.
A slight nervousness is natural. But, when this 'little nervousness' turns into a prediction for disaster it becomes a negative thought trap.
For instance, let us say you are preparing for a speech. A a small number of butterflies in the stomach are warranted. Still, if you start thinking, 'This would be a total disaster', 'I will not be able to speak one word and all and sundry will giggle at me' or things like that, you are opening the door wide to anxiety.
Positive things phrased with negation
This is one of the most dangerous of all negative thoughts trap since you do it thinking it is helping you, when it is in point of fact harming you plus leading you directly to an anxiety attack. This is when you are able to tell yourself, 'I will not be afraid', 'I do not require to be worried about anything', 'I will not do any mistake this time' and so on.
The intention here is that, while you require to put emphasis on a positive aspect, what you are in point of fact doing is visualizing the negative aspect.
As the negative feature projects the more dominant emotions, this is how your mind would recall and build upon. For that reason, you should be especially careful regarding how you put into words your self-encouragement.
This is really important if you want to treat anxiety disorder. The right way is to leave out the negative aspect totally, such as 'I will do a wonderful job today', 'I will enjoy the experience', 'everything is going to be just fine' and so on.
Comparing yourself to others
It is very common for anxiety suffers to evaluate themselves to others in a negative way. For example, 'My husband never notices me nowadays, no matter what I do; but see her - her husband totally adores her', and so on. Do not let yourself fall into this trap. As soon as you contrast yourself with others constructively, your mind will emphasize all the negative differences.
Having said all this and yes it did go on a bit, but I believe it is in truth important to make the point of negative thinking and how it actually does form our lives. But also that it is a THOUGHT and only a thought. You produced that thought so you can modify it. Because if you don’t change it your anxiousness will turn into a anxiety disorder that will be even harder to contest and surmount. But you can treat anxiety disorder and defeat it. And as I mentioned in part one, you can get yourself a personal coach or counselor or join a anxiety community to help treat anxiety disorder.
Forecasting disaster
This is something we do quite frequently, if you desire to treat anxiety disorder read on.
Whatever thing you do, you want to keep a positive focus and goal. From time to time It happens you may be worried about the upshot of some chief thing.
A slight nervousness is natural. But, when this 'little nervousness' turns into a prediction for disaster it becomes a negative thought trap.
For instance, let us say you are preparing for a speech. A a small number of butterflies in the stomach are warranted. Still, if you start thinking, 'This would be a total disaster', 'I will not be able to speak one word and all and sundry will giggle at me' or things like that, you are opening the door wide to anxiety.
Positive things phrased with negation
This is one of the most dangerous of all negative thoughts trap since you do it thinking it is helping you, when it is in point of fact harming you plus leading you directly to an anxiety attack. This is when you are able to tell yourself, 'I will not be afraid', 'I do not require to be worried about anything', 'I will not do any mistake this time' and so on.
The intention here is that, while you require to put emphasis on a positive aspect, what you are in point of fact doing is visualizing the negative aspect.
As the negative feature projects the more dominant emotions, this is how your mind would recall and build upon. For that reason, you should be especially careful regarding how you put into words your self-encouragement.
This is really important if you want to treat anxiety disorder. The right way is to leave out the negative aspect totally, such as 'I will do a wonderful job today', 'I will enjoy the experience', 'everything is going to be just fine' and so on.
Comparing yourself to others
It is very common for anxiety suffers to evaluate themselves to others in a negative way. For example, 'My husband never notices me nowadays, no matter what I do; but see her - her husband totally adores her', and so on. Do not let yourself fall into this trap. As soon as you contrast yourself with others constructively, your mind will emphasize all the negative differences.
Having said all this and yes it did go on a bit, but I believe it is in truth important to make the point of negative thinking and how it actually does form our lives. But also that it is a THOUGHT and only a thought. You produced that thought so you can modify it. Because if you don’t change it your anxiousness will turn into a anxiety disorder that will be even harder to contest and surmount. But you can treat anxiety disorder and defeat it. And as I mentioned in part one, you can get yourself a personal coach or counselor or join a anxiety community to help treat anxiety disorder.
Treat Anxiety Disorder 2
Carrying on from part one on how to treat anxiety disorder.
Assuming what others think - I came across this wonderful way of interpreting 'assume' - this word ca be broken into 'ass', 'u' and 'me'. In other words every time you assume something, you make an ass of you and me.
This is a nice way of cautioning you of the hazard that assumptions can form. You may often look around you and think, 'They must be thinking I am looking gross' or 'I know she hates me. Do not believe such things because when you do so, you unconsciously copy the image you have fashioned this way. When you go into this trap, you can discover that you are spiraling into low self-esteem, decreased belief and anxiety disorder symptoms.
Nevertheless keep in mind while reading this editorial, that to treat anxiety disorder; you start by challenging these negative thoughts. I just thought I’d drop this in to remind to you that you can defeat these self-defeating thoughts. But you need to be aware of them before you can start to contest them.
Generalizing negative traits - you have continually been told to think confidently. This is since it influences the way you think and then the way you behave. It is possible that you may make mistakes now and then; these mistakes could be minor or major. It happens. Learn from the lesson and move on.
Do not consider thoughts of generalization. This is a severe negative thought trap. Things similar to 'What ever I touch turns to dust', 'and nothing I do will ever come out perfect' and things like that. When you do so, you are berating yourself and inviting anxiety to take over. Do not generalize when you make a slip-up.
Self-labeling
Sometimes things do go your way. In fact, life is full of times when you walk uphill, when things are tough and outcome looks grim. It is okay. Good times will come, too. Life is a cycle; at times you are up and from time to time you are down. The key to contentment is to adjust and keep looking ahead.
Blowing up realty
There are times when troubles seem larger than life. Usually, at such times you should roll up your sleeves and tackle the problem head-on. However, at such times your mind would be tempted to go into negative thoughts traps such as, 'I am going to kick the bucket of a heart-attack', 'My life is over with this chapter' and things like that. If such thoughts are not checked right away, they may create a feeling of vulnerability and vulnerability that might tend to blow up slight problems into huge obstacles. The result would be a massive anxiety attack.
Read part three of treat anxiety disorder
Treat Anxiety Disorder
How to treat anxiety disorder. To a great degree this in reality does depend on the person. But what does start anxiety disorder is how we think!
It is correct that anxiety is regularly the conclusion of an external trigger; however, it is by the same token true that on occasion it is a 'cordially invited guest'. In other words, you invite worries and depressing thoughts since you set up harmful thinking traps in your mentality. What are 'negative thinking traps'? These are thoughts that push the mind into negativity.
So on to how to treat anxiety disorder. The first step is to examine your thinking; you may well be very stunned at how depressing you do think. I call it the little voice in your head that is frequently going. Becoming conscious of it, will help you challenge it and ultimately change it to a positive little voice. It will be of great benefit for you to work with a personal coach or a counselor to help you become aware of your negative thoughts that are manifesting your anxiety disorder.
Below are some examples of negative thinking that ascend out of control and trigger anxiety disorder. But remember to treat anxiety disorder you just counteract the negative thinking. And yes it does develop into easier.
Predicting the future
you might have so many times found yourself thinking, 'Oh, God! I am going to mess up this thing wholly.' or 'I know that this will end in a show-down' and thoughts such as this, which seem to initiate a negative image of the upshot in your mind. These thoughts left drifting in your mind will carry on adding vivid details to the negative outcome, which in turn will build up anxiety in you. In your mind's eye, you have already messed it up and you are facing the dire consequences.
Measuring everything in extreme terms - this happens to the best of us. Every now and then, when you are overwhelmed by certain circumstances, the minimum details can throw you off absolutely. For example, you are fraught with an impractical deadline when you take in you were using the incorrect data.
It is easy in this case to throw your hands up and say that all is lost. Yet, if you retain your cool and take corrective measures right away, it is possible that you put the thing back on its track without much problem. Nothing is black-and-white. Simply because you trip up somewhere, it does not make you thoroughly clueless or a failure. Chase perfection; this is a negative trait because it would fuel you to overachieve.
Nevertheless, if what you do is not constantly perfect, it does not mean you are worthless. Do not permit your mind to think in extremes. The world is made up of more Grey than black-and-white.
Read part two on how to treat anxiety.
Treat Anxiety Without Drugs
If you’ve been trying to treat anxiety without drugs for any chunk of time, you’re probably by now familiar with a few of the more common strategies. Breathing exercises, mental exercises and finding physical outlets for stress are just a few.
These tactics work pretty well, if you require to treat anxiety without drugs.
The following 3 natural herbs for anxiety will help.
For those of you, who have a lot of hassle getting to sleep at night. Test Sleepy time tea with Valerian root.
Passion Flower
Passion Flower does act as a non-drowsy natural relaxant that has been none to relieve intermittent nervousness, also helps to lessen the effect of panic and anxiety attacks. Its not the flower but the vine of the passion flower that has the calming effects. What passion flower does is help to balance out your emotions. It does not make you sleepy.
St. Johns Wort
Extracts of bring to bear an antidepressant effect by inhibiting the re uptake of the neurotransmitters serotonin, nor epinephrine, and dopamine. Dosage may vary. They usually recommended a serving of three grams of powder per day, it can take a few weeks before you notice the effects. That said, if you just buy the supplement pills at your health store, this herb becomes a suitable way to ward off the blues.
Kava
This is one of the most popular choices for the treatment of anxiety and insomnia. Its a very powerful herb from the South Seas. It is used as a alternative to Valium, studies have proven that it has the same calming effect as Valium. The distinction being there are no bad side effects and you cannot get addicted to it. Isn't it making sense so far to treat anxiety without drugs.
Bear in mind, Kava will knock you out. It acts as a sedative so don’t take it if you need to stay alert for any duration of time. This is a more powerful alternative if Valerian root isn’t getting rid of your nocturnal anxiety effectively enough.
A further way to treat anxiety without drugs is to face your anxiety. Always memorize that anxiety is a thought, a fearful thought, but none the less it is just a thought. Having a counselor, a coach, or being part of a community for anxiety suffers will be of great benefit for you to treat anxiety without drugs.
These tactics work pretty well, if you require to treat anxiety without drugs.
The following 3 natural herbs for anxiety will help.
For those of you, who have a lot of hassle getting to sleep at night. Test Sleepy time tea with Valerian root.
Passion Flower
Passion Flower does act as a non-drowsy natural relaxant that has been none to relieve intermittent nervousness, also helps to lessen the effect of panic and anxiety attacks. Its not the flower but the vine of the passion flower that has the calming effects. What passion flower does is help to balance out your emotions. It does not make you sleepy.
St. Johns Wort
Extracts of bring to bear an antidepressant effect by inhibiting the re uptake of the neurotransmitters serotonin, nor epinephrine, and dopamine. Dosage may vary. They usually recommended a serving of three grams of powder per day, it can take a few weeks before you notice the effects. That said, if you just buy the supplement pills at your health store, this herb becomes a suitable way to ward off the blues.
Kava
This is one of the most popular choices for the treatment of anxiety and insomnia. Its a very powerful herb from the South Seas. It is used as a alternative to Valium, studies have proven that it has the same calming effect as Valium. The distinction being there are no bad side effects and you cannot get addicted to it. Isn't it making sense so far to treat anxiety without drugs.
Bear in mind, Kava will knock you out. It acts as a sedative so don’t take it if you need to stay alert for any duration of time. This is a more powerful alternative if Valerian root isn’t getting rid of your nocturnal anxiety effectively enough.
A further way to treat anxiety without drugs is to face your anxiety. Always memorize that anxiety is a thought, a fearful thought, but none the less it is just a thought. Having a counselor, a coach, or being part of a community for anxiety suffers will be of great benefit for you to treat anxiety without drugs.
Treat Anxiety Naturally
How to treat anxiety naturally, plenty of folks today are asking this question. Here are several ways to assist you.
Different therapists treat anxiety in different ways and this depends largely on their individual training, experience, and point of view. Besides some clients respond better to one type of treatment than others and it is chief for the analyst to do a thorough appraisal and get to know there client before deciding on therapy.
Some therapists treat their clients with prescription tablets like anxiolytics, beta blockers, or even antidepressants. This means that they are treating the symptoms of the anxiety. Anxiety symptoms can often be successfully controlled by the careful use of prescription drugs.
Sorry to say many of them can be addictive or produce side effects and the person regularly builds up a tolerance to them, needing to take more and additional to achieve a parallel effect.
Lots of therapists use techniques like progressive relaxation or meditation to benefit the client to discover how to open there own calming response (everybody has one!) and to lessen anxiety levels to a more restful state.
This is frequently combined with counseling, coaching to help understand the causes of the anxiety.
There are also various natural products to help treat anxiety naturally which may be used alone or in combination with therapy.
It is generally best to chat to your pharmacist, health store owner to find out what is best for you and how to take it, but some widespread herbs are Passion flower, St John's Wort, Melissa, Chamomile and Kava. !
Self Help
There are various things that will assist you treat anxiety naturally.
If you are feeling stress at work, in your relationships or anywhere else, look and see what changes have to be made. Get help if you think you are incapable to do this yourself.
Regular exercise is one of the most valuable things one can do and has been made known to have a considerable effect on lowering anxiety symptoms and improving well being. Make sure that you eat frequently to avoid fluctuations in blood sugar level and have at least 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night! Sleep withdrawal can cause symptoms of anxiety.
Avoid stimulants like coffee, tea (except herbal teas), sugary foods, chocolate or carbonated drinks, mainly the cola variety. people who put up with anxiety, who are at greater risk for dependence, must in no way take alcohol and make use of recreational drugs. These substances can also worsen the anxiety symptoms.
Set aside at least 15 minutes twice a day to sit in a quiet spot, close your eyes and practice deep breathing. Listen to soothing music or a relaxation tape or CD.
Read as much as you can about anxiety and how to treat anxiety naturally.
As we have discussed, anxiety can take many assorted forms and you can treat anxiety naturally. There are also many things which one can do oneself to be in command of or considerably reduce the symptoms of anxiety.
Most of these take certain work and diligence, but then so does an Anxiety Disorder! Believe in yourself and expend time getting to recognize what works for you and then continue with it. You will be stunned how much you can help yourself to treat anxiety naturally.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Loneliness
If you feel lonely, you’re not alone. Loneliness is a subjective sense of isolation – a feeling of not being able to connect with other people, a sense of being apart. As humans, we feel the need to be with other people. We need to relate to others, to get involved in their lives, to work with them, and to express our emotions around other people. Our social needs are nearly as powerful as our other basic needs, like our needs for food, water, and shelter.
When we are deprived of our social needs, we can become fearful. Our sense of being alone might become amplified. It is common for a person in social isolation to magnify the thoughts that accompany loneliness – and then withdraw even further from others. When we choose to withdraw, we may end up feeling trapped in our isolation.
Given the importance of social connection, it is surprising that twenty percent of people feel sufficiently isolated that loneliness plays a major role in their lives. Over the past several decades our culture has changed to the point where loneliness has emerged as a major social and psychological problem. We are a culture that places a premium on individualism. We emphasize the importance of being able to do things on our own. Many people pride themselves on their ability to survive and experience success without having to depend on other people. The down side of this social norm, however, is that many of us feel lonely. We do need other people.
Research findings confirm that as a society we are moving toward more loneliness. Respondents to a social science survey in 2004 were three times more likely to report that they had nobody with whom to discuss important issues than respondents in 1985. During the past twenty years the size of the average household has declined ten percent to 2.5 persons. In 1990, more than one in five households was headed by a single parent – and today that figure is one in three. In 2000 more than twenty-seven million in the U.S. lived entirely alone, and the estimate for 2010 is twenty-nine million.
The Effects of Loneliness
Physical pain alerts us to the need to take action to end the pain. Social pain in the form of loneliness tells us to end our isolation. Indeed, functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) of the brain indicates that the same region of the brain is activated when a person feels rejection as when they feel physical pain. Research has found that chronic feelings of loneliness accelerate the aging process. It has an effect on our stress hormones, immune function, and cardiovascular function, which, over time, are compounded.
Loneliness also has an effect on our thoughts and feelings. When we feel socially isolated, it is more difficult to concentrate and we are more easily distracted by unimportant events. Our self-esteem might plummet when we feel lonely. We tend to make small errors into catastrophes. We are more likely to have feelings of depression.
When we feel apart from other people, we find it more difficult to take corrective action when things go wrong – and we might find false comfort in addictive behavior. We might feel that everybody else is connected and happy – and here we are struggling to get by alone. Our thoughts may become distrustful, and we isolate ourselves even further from other people. We might think that we are destined to be alone, and then we may give up hope that things will ever get better. We may feel that if there were only a friend out there, life would be easier (and it would be).
Interestingly, research has found that people who feel lonely have as many social contacts as people who don’t feel lonely. And almost everybody has a feeling of being lonely occasionally. Loneliness becomes an issue only when it settles in long enough to create a persistent loop of negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Loneliness emerges from how we think.
Breaking the Loneliness Cycle
We create a reality for ourselves that determines how others view us. Other people observe this reality and use it to define us. Then they act toward us on the basis of that assessment. So, if we see ourselves as lonely people who are trapped in a cycle of isolation, others will also see us that way and will treat us accordingly. We then get caught in a negative feedback loop where we become self-protective, we distrust that others will like us, and we move even further into isolation. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
When we get caught in this loop, we lose control and self-regulation. Our thoughts might become distorted so that we can’t take effective action in connecting with other people. Our level of activity declines, replaced by passivity and negativity. In our loneliness, we might not be able to read cues from other people appropriately, and then we make decisions that hamper our ability to break out of the isolation and make friends.
Obviously, the place to start when we want to break out of the loneliness cycle is to change how we view ourselves, despite our years of evidence that might convince us otherwise. And then we need to start taking action to bring people into our lives. It might sound hard, but it can change things for the better.
When we are deprived of our social needs, we can become fearful. Our sense of being alone might become amplified. It is common for a person in social isolation to magnify the thoughts that accompany loneliness – and then withdraw even further from others. When we choose to withdraw, we may end up feeling trapped in our isolation.
Given the importance of social connection, it is surprising that twenty percent of people feel sufficiently isolated that loneliness plays a major role in their lives. Over the past several decades our culture has changed to the point where loneliness has emerged as a major social and psychological problem. We are a culture that places a premium on individualism. We emphasize the importance of being able to do things on our own. Many people pride themselves on their ability to survive and experience success without having to depend on other people. The down side of this social norm, however, is that many of us feel lonely. We do need other people.
Research findings confirm that as a society we are moving toward more loneliness. Respondents to a social science survey in 2004 were three times more likely to report that they had nobody with whom to discuss important issues than respondents in 1985. During the past twenty years the size of the average household has declined ten percent to 2.5 persons. In 1990, more than one in five households was headed by a single parent – and today that figure is one in three. In 2000 more than twenty-seven million in the U.S. lived entirely alone, and the estimate for 2010 is twenty-nine million.
The Effects of Loneliness
Physical pain alerts us to the need to take action to end the pain. Social pain in the form of loneliness tells us to end our isolation. Indeed, functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) of the brain indicates that the same region of the brain is activated when a person feels rejection as when they feel physical pain. Research has found that chronic feelings of loneliness accelerate the aging process. It has an effect on our stress hormones, immune function, and cardiovascular function, which, over time, are compounded.
Loneliness also has an effect on our thoughts and feelings. When we feel socially isolated, it is more difficult to concentrate and we are more easily distracted by unimportant events. Our self-esteem might plummet when we feel lonely. We tend to make small errors into catastrophes. We are more likely to have feelings of depression.
When we feel apart from other people, we find it more difficult to take corrective action when things go wrong – and we might find false comfort in addictive behavior. We might feel that everybody else is connected and happy – and here we are struggling to get by alone. Our thoughts may become distrustful, and we isolate ourselves even further from other people. We might think that we are destined to be alone, and then we may give up hope that things will ever get better. We may feel that if there were only a friend out there, life would be easier (and it would be).
Interestingly, research has found that people who feel lonely have as many social contacts as people who don’t feel lonely. And almost everybody has a feeling of being lonely occasionally. Loneliness becomes an issue only when it settles in long enough to create a persistent loop of negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Loneliness emerges from how we think.
Breaking the Loneliness Cycle
We create a reality for ourselves that determines how others view us. Other people observe this reality and use it to define us. Then they act toward us on the basis of that assessment. So, if we see ourselves as lonely people who are trapped in a cycle of isolation, others will also see us that way and will treat us accordingly. We then get caught in a negative feedback loop where we become self-protective, we distrust that others will like us, and we move even further into isolation. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
When we get caught in this loop, we lose control and self-regulation. Our thoughts might become distorted so that we can’t take effective action in connecting with other people. Our level of activity declines, replaced by passivity and negativity. In our loneliness, we might not be able to read cues from other people appropriately, and then we make decisions that hamper our ability to break out of the isolation and make friends.
Obviously, the place to start when we want to break out of the loneliness cycle is to change how we view ourselves, despite our years of evidence that might convince us otherwise. And then we need to start taking action to bring people into our lives. It might sound hard, but it can change things for the better.
The Best Way To Treat Anxiety
As a counselor I have had many clients ask me for the best way to treat anxiety.
The query as you'll be able to well imagine is terribly difficult. There are many different ways that to treat anxiety.
There is the medication approach, which for some folks is the correct way. Especially, for those of you who’s anxiety has taken over your life. The reason I say this, is. That have been in that area where my body has been on such alert that I used to be constantly having anxiety attacks, and I mean constantly. I'd have one anxiety attack after another night and day. Regardless of what I did could not stop myself from thinking about my anxiety, which of course just fueled it.
So in that kind of instance I would defiantly advocate medication, simply so you'll have an occasion and gain back some control. As a result of being in that sort of anxious state, you can't think logically, thus it might be very laborious to gain control of your thoughts. Thus in this sort of instance I might say that the best way to treat anxiety would be medication.
Another approach to treat anxiety is to read all you can about anxiety. Accumulate as a lot of information that you'll be ready to, therefore when your body starts to display the signs of tension, you will be abundant better prepared for what goes on.
Most people when they have an anxiety attack often think they're having a heart attack, that simply goes to add to the anxiety. So the a lot of information you have the better able you are to prevent it spiraling out of control.
Another manner to treat anxiety is to , take natural remedies to assist keep your anxiety at bay. Learn breathing techniques to help control the anxiety. Relaxation, meditation, yoga are all sensible ways in which to help you beat your anxiety. Again this will be all the method down to your mindset and belief. If you think it can help, it will. If you're thinking that it’s a load of rubbish then it won’t.
You can find a online community that's dedicated to anxiety suffers and find some help and support from fellow suffers.
The best way to treat anxiety is to have a counselor or personal coach. They'll help you understand your anxiety and where it's come from. The most important factor regarding anxiety is, that it's a thought that you have created. Once you understand that it is your thoughts that have created anxiety, then you can do something concerning it.
I did this and it helped me understand and overcome my anxiety, this is why I say that the best way to treat anxiety is with professional help.
The query as you'll be able to well imagine is terribly difficult. There are many different ways that to treat anxiety.
There is the medication approach, which for some folks is the correct way. Especially, for those of you who’s anxiety has taken over your life. The reason I say this, is. That have been in that area where my body has been on such alert that I used to be constantly having anxiety attacks, and I mean constantly. I'd have one anxiety attack after another night and day. Regardless of what I did could not stop myself from thinking about my anxiety, which of course just fueled it.
So in that kind of instance I would defiantly advocate medication, simply so you'll have an occasion and gain back some control. As a result of being in that sort of anxious state, you can't think logically, thus it might be very laborious to gain control of your thoughts. Thus in this sort of instance I might say that the best way to treat anxiety would be medication.
Another approach to treat anxiety is to read all you can about anxiety. Accumulate as a lot of information that you'll be ready to, therefore when your body starts to display the signs of tension, you will be abundant better prepared for what goes on.
Most people when they have an anxiety attack often think they're having a heart attack, that simply goes to add to the anxiety. So the a lot of information you have the better able you are to prevent it spiraling out of control.
Another manner to treat anxiety is to , take natural remedies to assist keep your anxiety at bay. Learn breathing techniques to help control the anxiety. Relaxation, meditation, yoga are all sensible ways in which to help you beat your anxiety. Again this will be all the method down to your mindset and belief. If you think it can help, it will. If you're thinking that it’s a load of rubbish then it won’t.
You can find a online community that's dedicated to anxiety suffers and find some help and support from fellow suffers.
The best way to treat anxiety is to have a counselor or personal coach. They'll help you understand your anxiety and where it's come from. The most important factor regarding anxiety is, that it's a thought that you have created. Once you understand that it is your thoughts that have created anxiety, then you can do something concerning it.
I did this and it helped me understand and overcome my anxiety, this is why I say that the best way to treat anxiety is with professional help.
Treat Anxiety Without Medication
Taking medicine for anxiety in truth isn't going to create you a genuine solution to your anxiety problem, nonetheless many--even doctors and other experts--appear to treat it as such. To treat anxiety without medication is becoming a accepted preference as it helps you really get at the core of the situation without suffering all the accidental implications that are simply hiding the cause.
The following four bits of opinion have helped numerous sufferers of anxiety, treat anxiety without medication and find natural panic and anxiety relief.
Find A Little Private Time
Anxiety can repeatedly present itself all through periods of extreme stress in our lives. More than ever when we feel weighed down with all the obligations that we have to carry. Time and again when things start to get out of control at work, school, or somewhere else it is prudent to just find some private time for you.
Take Pleasure in Some Exercise
Exercise is another good way to help you to work out all that spare tension you may be feeling. The flight or fight response is truly what you enter when you begin to feel anxiety coming into your life. Once you experience strong anxiety attacks we can not expose a clear cut reason for the feelings we are experiencing. With no obvious thing around us to be frightened of, we don't know what to do with all this added energy and adrenaline that is flooding into our bodies. Devoid of anywhere to go or something to do concerning it, it overwhelms us and we go through a panic attack. Your body in fact wants to get physical, so allow it!
Accept the Anxiety
Resisting the thoughts of stress that you undergo only fuels the fire and makes your symptoms worse, which can set off a full-blown anxiety attack. It may seem a bit counter intuitive, but the majority of individuals have actually found that by welcoming the feelings of worry, that they take place fast without spiraling into horrific anxiety attacks. There has sincerely never been an episode of someone truly passing away from an anxiety attack, so do not feel like you may be in real danger here. You're not. You will be fine.
Further Natural Methods
There are various other alternative therapies out there these days you can use to aid you treat anxiety without medication and get natural anxiety relief. Some of these include tea, herbal remedies, acupuncture, tai-chi and deep breathing. Counseling, a personal coach, or join a anxiety community.
Medicine seriously is not the only remedy to reducing panic and anxiety disorders. There are so many diverse solutions these days for natural anxiety relief. Tablets has a proper place in the form of things. It ought to be used to reduce the levels of anxiety to a space where you could deal with and triumph over the root cause. But unfortunately most individuals use tablets as a quick-fix to simply mask the trouble and go ahead like they have fully recovered. If you want to overcome your anxiety challenges naturally try some of these methods to treat anxiety without medication.
The following four bits of opinion have helped numerous sufferers of anxiety, treat anxiety without medication and find natural panic and anxiety relief.
Find A Little Private Time
Anxiety can repeatedly present itself all through periods of extreme stress in our lives. More than ever when we feel weighed down with all the obligations that we have to carry. Time and again when things start to get out of control at work, school, or somewhere else it is prudent to just find some private time for you.
Take Pleasure in Some Exercise
Exercise is another good way to help you to work out all that spare tension you may be feeling. The flight or fight response is truly what you enter when you begin to feel anxiety coming into your life. Once you experience strong anxiety attacks we can not expose a clear cut reason for the feelings we are experiencing. With no obvious thing around us to be frightened of, we don't know what to do with all this added energy and adrenaline that is flooding into our bodies. Devoid of anywhere to go or something to do concerning it, it overwhelms us and we go through a panic attack. Your body in fact wants to get physical, so allow it!
Accept the Anxiety
Resisting the thoughts of stress that you undergo only fuels the fire and makes your symptoms worse, which can set off a full-blown anxiety attack. It may seem a bit counter intuitive, but the majority of individuals have actually found that by welcoming the feelings of worry, that they take place fast without spiraling into horrific anxiety attacks. There has sincerely never been an episode of someone truly passing away from an anxiety attack, so do not feel like you may be in real danger here. You're not. You will be fine.
Further Natural Methods
There are various other alternative therapies out there these days you can use to aid you treat anxiety without medication and get natural anxiety relief. Some of these include tea, herbal remedies, acupuncture, tai-chi and deep breathing. Counseling, a personal coach, or join a anxiety community.
Medicine seriously is not the only remedy to reducing panic and anxiety disorders. There are so many diverse solutions these days for natural anxiety relief. Tablets has a proper place in the form of things. It ought to be used to reduce the levels of anxiety to a space where you could deal with and triumph over the root cause. But unfortunately most individuals use tablets as a quick-fix to simply mask the trouble and go ahead like they have fully recovered. If you want to overcome your anxiety challenges naturally try some of these methods to treat anxiety without medication.
Treat Anxiety
How to treat anxiety? Well that in fact depends on a number of factors such as your background, your viewpoint and your mindset.
There are lots of ways out there to remedy anxiety; it depends especially on which way you want to take to care for your anxiety.
Before I go any further I require to say that it is in fact significant for you to take the best route for yourself. The purpose I say this is, that friends and family have there own standpoint on what is best for you, and because you can feel moderately low with anxiety you may go along with what they say, and not with what is best for you.
I have had folks say to me that because of people pressure they have not consulted a general practitioner for fear of a label and what other folks can say.
Each person has there own opinion on how to take care of anxiety, but the only central opinion is yours and how you want to treat your anxiety.
As I said beforehand how to treat anxiety very much depends on you and the means you need to take.
You may require to go to your doctor of medicine and get various medication to help have power over your anxiety. That’s acceptable. The only things I will verbalize from my own individual understanding are. First of all I got really nervous about having to take medication, which may sound silly but for me having to take a drug caused me real anxiety. Secondly, trying to find the right medications to suit me took quite a few months. Thirdly, the side-effects can be quite horrid.
The most essential thing about taking drug is that it does not heal your anxiety, it only masks it. If that’s all right for you then clearly tablets is the way for you to go. Though you could take into account taking drug along side counseling, or joining a community especially set up for anxiety suffers.
You may decide to treat your anxiety with natural remedies, such as Chamomile, Passion flower, Valerian, Kava. To identify, but a a small number of. The most essential thing is to get skilled advice on any natural remedy you are considering taking. And make sure if you are on any other medication that they are well-matched.
The only way to over come anxiety is to face it and triumph over it. Anxiety is a fear that has gotten out of control. The more you concentrate on it, the stronger it becomes. I can tell you that this statement is very true. I can also say that at times it feels like your entire mind has been taken over by frightened thoughts, which of course leads to many physical bodily reactions, which are very daunting.
The best way to treat anxiety is to face it, beat it and get your life back on track. I have done it, so you can do it.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Rapid Resolution Therapy: Healing the invisible emotional wounds.
RRT is a state of the art and cutting edge psychotherapeutic approach that has applications in all sorts of areas and two places it has the most amazing results is with complicated grief and trauma.
One of the most powerful tools you learn in Rapid Resolution Therapy is how to heal the invisible emotional wounds, the kind that typically don't get better with traditional talk therapy.
What most therapists learn in graduate school is that when going through painful, horrific, traumatic experiences people are unable to express how it made them feel. Instead, they repressed the feelings, buried them, locked them behind a closed door and it is the therapists job to provide a safe and nurturing, warm and supportive environment for the person to emote, re-experience the past pain to release it. It is a difficult and painful process for both the client and therapist (compassion fatigue).
Rapid Resolution Therapy provides an alternative view on Trauma. When going through painful events, the experience slams into the person's consciousness and leaves it's impression (think of hand slamming into the sand). What happens is that the deeper part of the mind, not the intellect, will confuse the impression left thinking it is the experience itself.
As a result, the primitive, deeper part of the mind is in a hyper state of awareness and will confuse thoughts about the experience thinking it is the experience. In addition it will confuse smells, images, voice tone, sounds, time of day and time of year with the painful experience causing the same physiological and emotional reaction as if the experience were happening.
The real problem with trauma is the deeper part of the mind has never gotten the good news that the bad experience is finished. Instead of trying to get the feelings out, what one does with RRT is to update the primitive part of the mind. To do this requires some skill but is easy and fun to learn. The therapist job is to keep the client emotionally present as they recall the past troubling event. Once that happens, the person is no longer troubled by the painful experience. The primitive part of the mind realizes the event is completed and finished. The triggers have been eliminated and the person is free. This is a fast and painless process for the client and often times can be completed in a single office visit.
One of the most powerful tools you learn in Rapid Resolution Therapy is how to heal the invisible emotional wounds, the kind that typically don't get better with traditional talk therapy.
What most therapists learn in graduate school is that when going through painful, horrific, traumatic experiences people are unable to express how it made them feel. Instead, they repressed the feelings, buried them, locked them behind a closed door and it is the therapists job to provide a safe and nurturing, warm and supportive environment for the person to emote, re-experience the past pain to release it. It is a difficult and painful process for both the client and therapist (compassion fatigue).
Rapid Resolution Therapy provides an alternative view on Trauma. When going through painful events, the experience slams into the person's consciousness and leaves it's impression (think of hand slamming into the sand). What happens is that the deeper part of the mind, not the intellect, will confuse the impression left thinking it is the experience itself.
As a result, the primitive, deeper part of the mind is in a hyper state of awareness and will confuse thoughts about the experience thinking it is the experience. In addition it will confuse smells, images, voice tone, sounds, time of day and time of year with the painful experience causing the same physiological and emotional reaction as if the experience were happening.
The real problem with trauma is the deeper part of the mind has never gotten the good news that the bad experience is finished. Instead of trying to get the feelings out, what one does with RRT is to update the primitive part of the mind. To do this requires some skill but is easy and fun to learn. The therapist job is to keep the client emotionally present as they recall the past troubling event. Once that happens, the person is no longer troubled by the painful experience. The primitive part of the mind realizes the event is completed and finished. The triggers have been eliminated and the person is free. This is a fast and painless process for the client and often times can be completed in a single office visit.
Dr. Quintal & Associates
5460 Lena Road
Suite 103
Bradenton, FL 34211
941-907-0525
To Forgive
All of us have been hurt, in one way or another, by someone else. While it is easy to forgive a friend for the slight distress we feel over a phone call that was not returned, it is not so easy to forgive those who have harmed us in a major way. The greatest hurt seems to come from those who play the most significant roles in our lives. The enormity of the hurt may lead us to conclude that we can never forgive the other person. To forgive or not to forgive is one of our life choices. It is important for our own emotional well-being to understand that it is a choice, and a choice with consequences.
Consider this question – if the harm we have experienced leads us to a life dominated by unresolved anger, a negative image of ourselves, and an inability to trust, are we not allowing the perpetrator to continue to have power over us? When we have sleep-less nights cycling and recycling thoughts about old hurts, when we seethe with anger, when we ask questions repetitively that seem to have no answers, we continue to suffer the consequences of being hurt. Perhaps our goal should be to find a way to free our-selves from the damage and to reclaim our lives for ourselves.
There are many ways of being hurt. Some are minor and some are more severe. In some cases we are the unwitting victim of those who hurt us. At other times we collude in allowing ourselves to suffer by building expectations that make us vulnerable or placing our trust in the wrong places. Whatever the nature of the damage done to us, it is a potential source of learning. We can allow the hurt to keep us down as we continue to play the role of the victim – or, alternatively, we can learn to overcome it, adapt to it, try to make sure that it never happens again, and, if it does occur again, learn to deal with it more effectively.
Here are some of the ways that people are hurt –
Unmet expectations. We are disappointed when we build expectations that are dashed. We don’t always get what we want, and this is to be expected. When we build our hopes on achieving a major goal, however, like not getting the promotion we had hoped for or losing the love we had so longed for, the result can be catastrophic. The hurt can be enormous.
Humiliation. When we are ridiculed by others – especially during childhood, as often happens when children are called derisive names – or when our pride is wounded, as might happen when a supervisor at work berates us in front of others, the assault on our dignity may impel us to hide, put up impenetrable walls, and vow never to be hurt again.
Rejection. When we are rejected or abandoned, we experience loss – but perhaps more impor-tant is the fact that we hear the message that we are not good enough. We have to deal with grieving the loss of an important emotional bond – and our self-image is assaulted as well. The fear of abandonment is a powerful force in the lives of many people. This fear can have a strong impact on the way they relate to the world and other people.
Deception. Some people may manipulate or lie to us, using us to further their own goals. This occurs, for example, when we are asked to keep “family secrets” or to deny real problems. Not only do we learn to distrust others, but we might also come to distrust our own judgment for falling prey to the deceptions of other people. This harms our ability to trust, and our self-esteem as well.
Abuse. We hear about abuse frequently in the media these days. Abuse comes in many forms – physical, emotional, sexual, or through neglect – and it can happen in childhood or in an adult relationship. Many people who suffered from abuse during their childhoods go straight into an abusive adult relationship. The consequences are enormous for the victim. We feel low, unable to share with others, and suspect that others must somehow know about our horrible secrets. We are left with a sense of powerlessness and a legacy of guilt and shame.
Choosing to Forgive
Forgiving the one who caused us harm may seem like the last thing we would want to do. After all, by not forgiving, we can hold onto the belief that we have some power over the perpetrator and that we can therefore prevent the harm from ever happening to us again. Or we may be so invested in playing the role of victim that to forgive would mean giving up a large part of how we define ourselves. We may feel that evil should never be forgiven.
An important point to keep in mind, however, is that when we forgive, we are doing it for ourselves, not for the other person. Forgiving is one way of letting go of old baggage so that we can move on with our lives. Forgiveness does not change the past – but it does change what we can have in the future.
There are no deadlines for choosing the option of forgiveness. Forgiving is a highly personal act, and it will not happen until we are ready to let go of the old hurt and move on in our lives with a sense of personal empowerment. Premature forgiveness is not really forgiveness at all. We must prepare for it, and this requires a deep look into our lives. Above all, it is a choice – and some people may choose not to forgive at all. This is a perfectly valid personal decision in certain situations.
The Nature of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is not a way of forgetting the past. Indeed, if we have been harmed, we should not forget it. We can learn from the past about how to avoid being harmed in the future. Nor is forgiveness a way of exonerating the perpetrator. We recognize that the harm did happen, that the other person is responsible for this and must come to terms with their own guilt. We are not trying to minimize the harm or claim that the behavior was acceptable. When we forgive, we are not sacrificing anything or giving up our sense of self-worth. Indeed, we are doing just the opposite – by taking a stand that says that we are strong and finally free of playing the role of victim. Forgiveness is a way of declaring our integrity.
Forgiveness is a way of saying, “It’s time for healing. The pain of the past should now be put behind me.” Thus, forgiving is a way to express self-assertion and positive self-esteem. To forgive is to declare that our identity is centered around far more than the intense feelings that come from the past. It means that we have better things to do in life than continuing to live under the influence of the one who has caused us pain. Forgiveness implies that we no longer need to hold grudges – we no longer need self-pity or hatred, and we declare our independence from victimhood. Forgiveness signifies breaking the cycle of pain and abuse, giving up the belief that the other person should hurt as much as we do. It means abandoning the myth that if we hurt the other person, it will make us feel better. To forgive implies giving up the unrealistic hope that an apology will have the same meaning to the per-petrator as it has for us. It tells us that we are moving our energy from the negative to the positive.
A Forgiveness “To Do” List
Consider this question – if the harm we have experienced leads us to a life dominated by unresolved anger, a negative image of ourselves, and an inability to trust, are we not allowing the perpetrator to continue to have power over us? When we have sleep-less nights cycling and recycling thoughts about old hurts, when we seethe with anger, when we ask questions repetitively that seem to have no answers, we continue to suffer the consequences of being hurt. Perhaps our goal should be to find a way to free our-selves from the damage and to reclaim our lives for ourselves.
There are many ways of being hurt. Some are minor and some are more severe. In some cases we are the unwitting victim of those who hurt us. At other times we collude in allowing ourselves to suffer by building expectations that make us vulnerable or placing our trust in the wrong places. Whatever the nature of the damage done to us, it is a potential source of learning. We can allow the hurt to keep us down as we continue to play the role of the victim – or, alternatively, we can learn to overcome it, adapt to it, try to make sure that it never happens again, and, if it does occur again, learn to deal with it more effectively.
Here are some of the ways that people are hurt –
Unmet expectations. We are disappointed when we build expectations that are dashed. We don’t always get what we want, and this is to be expected. When we build our hopes on achieving a major goal, however, like not getting the promotion we had hoped for or losing the love we had so longed for, the result can be catastrophic. The hurt can be enormous.
Humiliation. When we are ridiculed by others – especially during childhood, as often happens when children are called derisive names – or when our pride is wounded, as might happen when a supervisor at work berates us in front of others, the assault on our dignity may impel us to hide, put up impenetrable walls, and vow never to be hurt again.
Rejection. When we are rejected or abandoned, we experience loss – but perhaps more impor-tant is the fact that we hear the message that we are not good enough. We have to deal with grieving the loss of an important emotional bond – and our self-image is assaulted as well. The fear of abandonment is a powerful force in the lives of many people. This fear can have a strong impact on the way they relate to the world and other people.
Deception. Some people may manipulate or lie to us, using us to further their own goals. This occurs, for example, when we are asked to keep “family secrets” or to deny real problems. Not only do we learn to distrust others, but we might also come to distrust our own judgment for falling prey to the deceptions of other people. This harms our ability to trust, and our self-esteem as well.
Abuse. We hear about abuse frequently in the media these days. Abuse comes in many forms – physical, emotional, sexual, or through neglect – and it can happen in childhood or in an adult relationship. Many people who suffered from abuse during their childhoods go straight into an abusive adult relationship. The consequences are enormous for the victim. We feel low, unable to share with others, and suspect that others must somehow know about our horrible secrets. We are left with a sense of powerlessness and a legacy of guilt and shame.
Choosing to Forgive
Forgiving the one who caused us harm may seem like the last thing we would want to do. After all, by not forgiving, we can hold onto the belief that we have some power over the perpetrator and that we can therefore prevent the harm from ever happening to us again. Or we may be so invested in playing the role of victim that to forgive would mean giving up a large part of how we define ourselves. We may feel that evil should never be forgiven.
An important point to keep in mind, however, is that when we forgive, we are doing it for ourselves, not for the other person. Forgiving is one way of letting go of old baggage so that we can move on with our lives. Forgiveness does not change the past – but it does change what we can have in the future.
There are no deadlines for choosing the option of forgiveness. Forgiving is a highly personal act, and it will not happen until we are ready to let go of the old hurt and move on in our lives with a sense of personal empowerment. Premature forgiveness is not really forgiveness at all. We must prepare for it, and this requires a deep look into our lives. Above all, it is a choice – and some people may choose not to forgive at all. This is a perfectly valid personal decision in certain situations.
The Nature of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is not a way of forgetting the past. Indeed, if we have been harmed, we should not forget it. We can learn from the past about how to avoid being harmed in the future. Nor is forgiveness a way of exonerating the perpetrator. We recognize that the harm did happen, that the other person is responsible for this and must come to terms with their own guilt. We are not trying to minimize the harm or claim that the behavior was acceptable. When we forgive, we are not sacrificing anything or giving up our sense of self-worth. Indeed, we are doing just the opposite – by taking a stand that says that we are strong and finally free of playing the role of victim. Forgiveness is a way of declaring our integrity.
Forgiveness is a way of saying, “It’s time for healing. The pain of the past should now be put behind me.” Thus, forgiving is a way to express self-assertion and positive self-esteem. To forgive is to declare that our identity is centered around far more than the intense feelings that come from the past. It means that we have better things to do in life than continuing to live under the influence of the one who has caused us pain. Forgiveness implies that we no longer need to hold grudges – we no longer need self-pity or hatred, and we declare our independence from victimhood. Forgiveness signifies breaking the cycle of pain and abuse, giving up the belief that the other person should hurt as much as we do. It means abandoning the myth that if we hurt the other person, it will make us feel better. To forgive implies giving up the unrealistic hope that an apology will have the same meaning to the per-petrator as it has for us. It tells us that we are moving our energy from the negative to the positive.
A Forgiveness “To Do” List
- Understand fully that forgiveness does not mean that it is all right for the aggressive behavior to ever be repeated. Forgiveness is meant for past behavior that was unacceptable.
- Give up the unrealistic hope that the perpetra-tor will apologize, answer your questions or be able to explain why he or she hurt you. Even if apologies or answers were forthcom-ing, they would not alleviate the pain. The perpetrator’s views, and depth of insight, will differ from your own.
- Understand that the pain is all yours, not the other person’s. When we forgive, it is for the purpose of dealing with our own pain.
- Make up a list of the specific things that were done to you which you have decided to forgive. This means acknowledging and grieving the losses that have resulted from being hurt, and this may generate potent feelings of anger, sad-ness and fear. (These intense feelings may be an indicator that you may need to work some more on your losses before you are ready to forgive, and the help of a supportive person – a thera-pist or a trusted friend – may be needed as you progress through this experience.)
- See if there were any positives about the rela-tionship. In some cases there may not be any-thing positive – but if they do exist, acknowl-edging them could help you move toward a more compassionate view of the relationship.
- Write a letter to the perpetrator (this is a letter that you will never send). Allow your feelings to flow onto paper. Write freely about your hurt and anger, but include any positive feel-ings you may have about the relationship. If it feels right to you, acknowledge that the per-petrator may have been only doing the best he or she knew how to do at the time, or perhaps had been strongly influenced by her or his own upbringing. (If you don’t want to write a letter, imagine having a dialogue with the perpetra-tor. Or engage in a role-playing exercise with a therapist.)
- Create a ritualized separation ceremony which ends the link between you and the perpetrator. For example, you might burn your letter and lists and then scatter the ashes. Or you might visualize a final goodbye where the perpetrator – and your feelings of hurt – will become smaller and smaller and eventually disappear. As part of this ceremony, give the perpetrator your blessing and forgiveness. You are now free to live your life unburdened by the pain of your past hurt. Celebrate that freedom.
“If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive.”
– Mother Teresa
Dr. Quintal & Associates
5460 Lena Road
Suite 103
Bradenton, FL 34211
941-907-0525
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